I didn’t write a eulogy right away. No I had to sit with my feelings about the loss of my mom and what her life meant to me, as her daughter.

My mom had a hard life. I won’t BS about that, but what she didn’t do is pass on that hurt in the form she received it. She told me her life, not all of it, but enough through heart to heart conversations that I know she shielded me. That’s what mothers do.

My mom was a more quiet person. Kept her opinion to herself mostly, but at times she was also bold about it. Politics. LOL.

She always tried to be a good person long before she committed to her life Christ. How do I know? Because she volunteered at a homeless shelter in BC when I was growing up. Because she always gave to charity. Because she tried never to hurt people even though she had been hurt. She always tried to be fair. She’s given more than was ever given to her. I witnessed this over many years. Rarely has she ever raised her voice in anger.

She was practical. I was getting what I needed BEFORE ever getting what I wanted. But that’s good. She installed a sense of responsibility in me that wouldn’t have been possible otherwise. She was responsible. BIGIME. And I got that from her and it has served me well. I won’t lie, I have my irresponsible moments, but her values win out every time in the end. I am forever thankful for that. I would not be where I am in life without her.

She was humble. Always has been. And her life could seem in this world as unremarkable to many people. Not flashy. But humble. And I respect her for that. She was not high maintenance. She was as real as they come. And that I respect over anything in this world. I hate fake. She was real. And I’m lucky to have that as my role model.

Even though I am my own person, I am so much like her it’s not funny. As we grow older we realize what we inherited in personality traits from our parents. Good and Bad. I got the good and the bad…. BUT I gotta say I KNOW what I got from her, and for the most part its good. Her traits are what sustain me. She’s a survivor and so am I and so are my daughters. Passed on down through the generations.

I never realized how important my mom was in my life as I do now as I reflect on how she affected me in my entire life and wow its major! I guess in a sense I took it for granted that she would always be here. But she’s gone. I’m not sure I entirely grasp that she is gone yet. It’s not real. A bad dream I’m going to wake up from soon. A part of me has accepted it, and a part of me has not.

When I watched her suffer I wanted God to take her to end her suffering. I had no control, I felt helpless. I had high anxiety of the future of her death impending. Now that it’s behind me, my anxiety is less, but I’m left deflated. Empty.

But at least I am accepting it ….because the younger Tanya would not have accepted it.

This all makes one take stock of their own life and realize what is important and what is not important. I’ve been searching my own soul on how I want to live out the rest of my life.. And its not in misery chasing worldly success but love and family.

Mom, I think you have an idea what values you instilled in me, I know because of your approval. Having lived a life of your own mistakes, I could tell when you knew I was doing well. I know you self reflected and tried to pass that knowledge on. I am forever thankful for that. It could not be possible without your self reflection. And I hope I can give the same to my daughters. I will give that to my daughters.

I love you Mom. Forever.

Love Tanya